Avoidance doesn’t always look like fear. Sometimes it looks like discipline.
In my work with high performers, I see people who seem driven but are really just terrified of stopping. They say things like “I just like staying busy” or “I feel off when I’m not productive.” But underneath that constant motion is usually the same thing: fear. Fear of losing momentum, fear of not being good enough, fear of what might surface if they slowed down long enough to feel.
The Many Faces of Avoidance
Avoidance wears different masks. It can show up as:
- The student who joins every club to avoid being alone with her thoughts.
- The athlete who overtrains because rest feels like regression.
- The entrepreneur who keeps building new projects so he never has to sit with uncertainty.
- The perfectionist who edits everything until it feels “safe.”
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Avoidance isn’t just doing nothing. It’s also doing everything except what matters most.
I once worked with a student who came into counseling because she was “feeling burned out.” On paper, she was thriving: straight A’s, three leadership positions, part-time job. But every time we talked about her goals, she got quiet. Eventually she admitted she wasn’t sure what she actually wanted. She just didn’t want to disappoint anyone. Her entire life was built on the avoidance of guilt and failure, not the pursuit of meaning.
That’s the trap of high-functioning avoidance. You can be productive and still be lost.
Avoidance is also one of the most reinforcing psychological patterns there is. Each time you avoid discomfort, you feel temporary relief, which teaches the brain that avoidance “works.” That small hit of relief cements the behavior, making it harder to break the next time.
Who is Driving: You or Fear?
Avoidance tricks you into chasing what fear tells you will keep you safe instead of what your values tell you will make you fulfilled. Fear wants stability, validation, control. Values want growth, truth, connection.
When your goals are born from fear, you end up with a life that looks successful but feels off. The worst part is you might not even notice. The dopamine from progress can keep the illusion going for years.
After I finished the Mamba 100, my first thought wasn’t relief or pride. It was “What’s next?” I started thinking about 200 miles, 300 miles, something bigger, harder, more impressive. But that impulse had nothing to do with purpose. It came from fear. Fear that if I didn’t have something massive to train for, I’d lose my edge. Fear that I wouldn’t have the discipline to eat right or push myself without a race hanging over my head.
That realization hit hard. Because I know how easy it is to confuse the feeling of discipline with the feeling of worth. But the truth is, I already have things in my life that require my full attention right now: my dissertation, my practice, my family. The race was a chapter, not an identity. When I have more space, I’ll race again.
For now, I’m learning how to stay disciplined without needing an external reason.
Practical Moves to Dislodge Avoidance
Awareness alone isn’t enough. Avoidance is clever. It will always find new disguises. The key is catching it in real time.
Here are some practices I use with clients (and myself):
- Pause Before You Commit. Before you say yes to a new project or challenge, ask, “Am I doing this because it’s aligned, or because it’s familiar?” Fear often feels like urgency.
- Schedule Stillness. If you don’t create space for stillness, your nervous system will do it for you through burnout or illness. Protect unstructured time the way you protect meetings.
- Catch the Impulse. When you feel the pull to overwork, overtrain, or overthink, stop and ask, “What am I trying to avoid right now?” Name the emotion before it drives the behavior.
- Align with Values. Revisit your values regularly. I often use Think2Perform’s values exercise with clients. It’s simple but revealing. If your top values are “family,” “growth,” and “authenticity,” yet all your energy goes into “achievement,” something’s misaligned.
- Tolerate the Empty Space. Avoidance collapses when you can sit in the gap between impulses and outcomes. You don’t need to fill every quiet moment. Sometimes the point is to feel the discomfort and not run from it.
The Point
Avoidance is creativity turned inward. It’s your mind finding clever ways to protect you from discomfort. But protection without awareness eventually becomes prison.
Carl Jung said, “What you resist, not only persists, but grows in size.” Avoidance promises relief but delivers stagnation. Alignment requires courage. It asks you to stop proving and start listening.
So this week, try this:
Before every major decision or new commitment, pause and ask, Is this driven by fear or by value?
The answer will tell you whether you’re chasing growth or running from yourself.
See you next week!
