The Power of Conviction
Assertiveness is one of the purest expressions of self-love. It is how you show yourself that your needs, values, and voice matter. To be assertive is to honor your worth through action. To avoid it is, in many ways, a form of self-harm.
People who struggle to assert themselves often mistake kindness for silence or humility for self-erasure. But suppression always has a cost. The energy that should go into living authentically gets rerouted into resentment, anxiety, or exhaustion.
As Jung wrote, “The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.” Assertiveness is the path toward that privilege. It is the process of becoming more of yourself.
The Dangers of Passivity
People who are unable to assert themselves may experience sensitivity to criticism, extreme passivity, insecurity, anxiety, or low self-esteem. They may be treated like emotional doormats whose needs always come second. Over time, they can begin to lose sight of what they actually need or want in life.
The tragedy is that this happens slowly. Each time you stay quiet to avoid conflict, you reinforce the belief that your voice is a threat. Eventually, you start living by other people’s scripts instead of your own. The absence of assertiveness doesn’t just silence you, it erases you.
Benefits of Assertiveness
Research consistently shows that assertiveness is tied to better mental health, stronger relationships, and greater life satisfaction. These outcomes make sense when you look closer.
- Lower anxiety and depression – When you express needs instead of burying them, you prevent frustration from turning inward. Those who speak honestly experience less emotional buildup and rumination.
- Higher job satisfaction and career success – Assertive people clarify expectations, advocate for themselves, and ask for what they have earned. One study found they are rated as more competent and promoted faster because others trust their confidence.
- Better romantic and family relationships – Direct communication prevents resentment. When you can say, “That doesn’t work for me,” you preserve closeness by avoiding scorekeeping.
- Greater resilience under stress – Assertiveness breeds agency. When you know you can protect your boundaries, you feel less helpless in the face of pressure or uncertainty.
A Lesson from Lincoln
Abraham Lincoln is remembered for his honesty and gentleness, not aggression. Yet his assertiveness shaped history.
When his cabinet urged him to compromise on slavery, Lincoln listened, then said calmly, “I hope to have God on my side, but I must have Kentucky.”
He was not confrontational, but he was immovable. He embodied calm conviction. True assertiveness is like that. It does not overpower others, it centers you. It aligns your speech and action with your values.
Preconditions for Assertiveness
Before you can be assertive, you have to know what you want. That sounds simple, but many people who have spent their lives accommodating others struggle to answer that question. If you are used to prioritizing other people’s needs, your own desires may feel blurry or even selfish.
Rebuilding that awareness starts with small, reflective questions:
- What energizes me and what drains me?
- What am I saying “yes” to that I don’t actually want?
- When do I feel resentful or exhausted? Those moments usually point to an unspoken “no.”
- What do I value most, and how do I want my life to reflect it?
Until you know what you want, assertiveness has no direction. The goal is not to become louder, it is to become clearer.
Building Assertiveness (The 3 Cs)
Assertiveness develops gradually. Think of it as exposure therapy for self-expression. Everyone starts at a different point. Some people need to find their voice in small moments before they can use it in big ones.
Start with body language. Stand upright, make eye contact, and hold your ground when you speak. The body teaches the mind that you belong in the space you occupy.
Then practice in low-stakes settings. Begin with friends or family who are supportive, who listen, and who don’t take up a lot of proverbial space. Correct a wrong order at a restaurant. State a small preference. Ask for clarification. Each time you speak up, you are retraining your nervous system to associate honesty with safety.
Use the 3 Cs as your guide:
- Clarity – Say what you mean without softening or apologizing for it. “I can’t take that on right now” is clear. “I’m so sorry, I have a lot going on” is vague and guilt-driven.
- Calm – Keep your tone measured and your body relaxed. Assertiveness is not loud or emotional; it is steady. Calmness communicates power.
- Consistency – Say what you mean and follow through. When your words and actions match, people learn that your boundaries are real.
Closing Reflection
Assertiveness is not just a skill. It is a declaration that you believe your needs deserve a place in the world. It is how you build the life you envision by clearly asking for and acting on what you want.
The opposite of assertiveness is self-betrayal. Every time you silence yourself to keep the peace, you teach your body that your truth is unsafe. Every time you speak up, you teach it that your voice matters.
The saying goes, the squeaky wheel gets the oil. You do not have to squeak, but you do have to speak.
I will leave you with a passage by Marianne Williamson that sums it up:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do.”
If you are ready to start asserting yourself but aren't sure how to begin, I invite you to reach out!
