This newsletter dives into the intersection of psychology and performance, with a focus on personal responsibility and practical strategies for growth. Expect insights that challenge you to take ownership of your life, embrace accountability, and achieve meaningful progress. Growth happens when you do the work. Let's do it together!
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The Flow State | Resilience
Published 2 months ago • 3 min read
Korab Idrizi, M.S.
PhD Candidate | Performance Coach
Resilience
Change is the only guarantee in life. People romanticize change as if it is inherently positive. Change is not positive or negative. Change is neutral. What gives it meaning is the way we respond when life hits without warning, when our foundation cracks, when the story we believed we were living suddenly ends.
That is where resilience begins.
Most people imagine resilience as a movie montage. Rocky gets knocked down ten times and gets up eleven. The athlete tears their ACL and comes back stronger. The girl going through a breakup who still shows up to work, crying in the bathroom at lunch but keeping her life moving.
Those images are incomplete. Resilience is less glamorous. More primitive. More internal.
When I think about resilience, I think of Oprah.
Born into rural poverty in Mississippi. Sexually abused by multiple family members starting at nine. Pregnant at fourteen. Baby died shortly after birth. Moved between unstable homes. Told she was too emotional, too expressive, too much.
And yet she built an empire. She shaped culture. She turned her pain into fuel.
Why do we call that resilience
The American Psychological Association defines resilience as:
“The process and outcome of successfully adapting to difficult or challenging life experiences through mental, emotional, and behavioral flexibility and adjustment to internal and external demands.”
Two words matter most here: Adaptability and flexibility.
Resilience is not about overpowering reality, but accepting reality as it is.
We think resilience is toughness. In reality, the first step of resilience is surrender.
You cannot adapt to a world you refuse to acknowledge.
When my parents died this spring, I learned that lesson the hard way. I spent weeks bargaining with reality. Thinking about all the things I should have said. Should have done. Should have understood sooner.
My suffering did not come from the loss itself. The suffering came from refusing to accept that it already happened.
Dostoevsky once wrote:
“One’s own suffering is sometimes a pleasure.”
He was not glorifying pain, but rather calling out our tendency to cling to it. Because if we cling to it, we do not have to face what comes next.
Acceptance is not passive. Acceptance is the moment you stop negotiating with what already occurred. Acceptance is the moment you start living again.
Once acceptance happens, flexibility becomes possible.
Psychological flexibility
Psychology defines psychological flexibility as the ability to stay present and choose behavior aligned with your values even when your thoughts or emotions are uncomfortable.
Psychological flexibility is not a feeling; it is a decision. It reflects an internal locus of control.
People with psychological flexibility operate from one core belief:
“I cannot always control what happens, but I can control how I respond.”
That is the difference between someone who collapses and someone who adapts.
How to build psychological flexibility before you need it
Because when the crisis hits, you will not suddenly develop new emotional skills. You must build them when life is boring and stable.
1. Exposure to discomfort
Do something uncomfortable on purpose every single day, not extreme, just uncomfortable.
Neuroscience shows that voluntary discomfort increases growth in the anterior mid cingulate cortex, the part of the brain tied to effort, endurance, and persistence. When you repeatedly choose discomfort, your brain becomes wired for resilience.
2. Take care of the body
Sleep like your mental health depends on it. Eat food that keeps your energy stable. Move your body. When crisis comes, your baseline determines how far you fall and how quickly you return.
3. Practice presence
Mindfulness is not spiritual fluff. It is one of the most important aspects of pschological flexibility. To be mindful is to be grounded in the present moment without judgement. It will train your brain not to jump into the future or the past.
Research shows that even eight minutes of mindfulness practice a day can change functional connectivity in the brain regions involved in emotion regulation.
Eight minutes, not a silent retreat.
4. Learn how to self-regulate
Learn to use the mature defense mechanisms.
Examples:
Affiliation: reach out for support rather than isolate
Sublimation: channel emotion into meaningful action
Anticipation: plan for stress instead of pretending it will not happen
Humor: lighten the tension without avoiding the truth
Suppression: consciously put something aside for later rather than repressing it
Psychological defense mechanisms
Values based action
Once you accept what is happening, and you regulate enough to think clearly, action matters.
Resilient people have one thing in common. They do the thing, regardless of whether they want to. They act according to values, not moods.
Action is where transformation happens. Oprah did not heal because she waited to feel ready. She acted and her life caught up.
Final thought
Resilience is not about becoming unbreakable, but about becoming unavoidably real. Life will change and you will not always get a vote, but you will always get a choice about how to respond.
Accept reality. Feel everything. Act anyway.
If you want a PDF version of the “Resilience Tools Checklist” reply to this email with “Checklist” and I will send it your way.
If you liked this, share it with someone who is rebuilding their life.
This newsletter dives into the intersection of psychology and performance, with a focus on personal responsibility and practical strategies for growth. Expect insights that challenge you to take ownership of your life, embrace accountability, and achieve meaningful progress. Growth happens when you do the work. Let's do it together!
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