Use You Unfair Advantages

The road less traveled is often the right road.

A lot of the best things in life come from choosing the hard thing on purpose. Discipline, courage, endurance, self-respect, and confidence are usually built through discomfort, not convenience.

I believe that deeply. I once ran 100 miles in 25 hours for no other reason than to prove to myself that I could do it. Training for it was a fucking grind. It kept me away from my wife, interfered with my sleep, made school harder, and added stress to a season of life that was already full.

But I knew what I was doing. I knew why I was doing it. I knew it would end.

There is a difference between suffering that builds character and suffering that becomes counterproductive. The hard thing is valuable when it is forming you. It becomes unnecessary when it starts damaging the things you claim to care about.

A quote I saw this week put it well:

That quote hit me because I think a lot of men have a complicated relationship with advantage and with work. I know I do.

I come from immigrant parents. I come from an athletic background. For most of my life, I thought being self-made meant needing as little help as possible. I thought the goal was to earn everything, outwork everyone, take the long way, and never be seen as the guy who needed a hand.

There is something healthy in that. A man should want to become capable. He should want to carry hard things. He should want to prove to himself that he can do difficult things. There is nothing wrong with having an ego. A healthy ego helps you build, compete, lead, protect, and keep promises when life gets hard.

But over the last few years, I have realized that a lot of what I called discipline was sometimes just ego.

I do not plan to take the long way in business just so I can say I struggled more. I do not want to take the hardest route in building my relationship with my wife. I do not want to reject help, connections, resources, or opportunities because some part of me still wants to feel like the underdog.

When your ego starts getting in the way of joy, connection, peace, or effectiveness, it is no longer serving you. You are serving it.

Unnecessary suffering keeps you exhausted, bitter, isolated, and proud of how much you can endure, even when endurance is no longer the goal.

Sometimes the hard thing is the right thing because it builds character. Other times, the hard thing is just the hard thing.

Part of growing up is learning the difference between necessary and unnecessary sacrifice.

I have had to learn to accept the privileges and advantages I have been given without feeling guilty about them. Life is obviously not fair. But guilt does not make me more useful. Pretending I do not have advantages does not make me more humble. Refusing to use what I have been given does not help anyone!

If anything, it keeps me self-absorbed because I am still making the whole thing about me and my story, like anyone gives a shit.

Use your advantages. Use your network. Use your family support. Use your education. Use your athletic background. Use your ability to communicate. Use the fact that people trust you, open up to you, or want to help you. Use whatever you have been given and stop pretending the only honest path is the hardest one.

As the great Peter Parker said, "With great power, comes great responsibility."

At the very least, you have a moral responsibility not to squander the gifts that have been bestowed upon you. Use them to create more joy in your life. Use them to serve your family. Use them to give something back to the world in whatever small way you can.

P.S. We talk about topics like this inside The Emerging Man, the men’s community I’ve been putting together.

Our kickoff meeting is this Thursday at 7 PM ET, and it’ll be virtual.

If you haven’t joined yet, join here and attend the event on Thursday:
​https://www.skool.com/the-emerging-man-7999/about​

And if there are any men in your life who would benefit from conversations like this, send it their way.