Resonance

I'm teaching a course right now, and one of the first things I noticed was that the students seem to lock in most when I start riffing.

Not when I'm reading off a slide or delivering something exactly the way I rehearsed it in my head, but when I'm actually thinking in real time.

I'll make a connection I hadn't planned to make, follow an example a little further, or start working something out out loud, and you can feel the room get more attentive.

I think people like watching other people think.

There is something different about experiencing a thought alongside someone versus hearing the polished version after they've already arrived at the conclusion.

I've noticed the same thing with content. If what you're saying sounds too rehearsed or scripted, people can feel it. The information might be better organized, but something about the experience becomes less alive.

I think part of what we're drawn to is spontaneity. We like feeling like we're arriving somewhere together.

We're a resonant species.

We Want to Experience Things Together

My wife used to look up the ending of movies before we'd watch them, and it bothered me way more than it probably should have.

It wasn't just that she knew what happened. It was that now we were having different experiences.

I wanted us to be surprised at the same time, confused at the same time, shocked at the same time. Once she knew the ending, she was watching me experience the movie instead of experiencing it with me.

That we psychologists call resonance. Our attention is on the same thing, we're feeling something at the same time, and for a moment we're having the same experience.

It's why a concert feels different when everyone knows the words. It's why inside jokes connect us.

You're not just receiving information, but rather, you're sharing an experience.

Create More of It

A lot of modern life pulls us in the opposite direction.

We're together but looking at different screens. We watch the same shows at different times. We eat together while half-paying attention. We consume things alone and send each other the highlights afterward.

I wonder if part of why people feel disconnected is that we don't have enough moments of resonance anymore.

Watch the movie together without looking up the ending. Go somewhere neither of you has been. Put your phone away when someone is talking to you. Do things with people where neither of you knows exactly how it's going to go.

Connection might have less to do with having the perfect thing to say and more to do with actually being in the same experience as someone else.

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