The Trap of Competence

If you’re reading this newsletter, you’re probably growth-oriented and a pretty capable person. You care about doing things well, people know they can count on you, and you’re usually looking for ways to get better.

That also means you probably have a lot on your plate. You keep signing up for new responsibilities at work and at home, and people keep assigning them to you.

Being capable, helpful, and dependable are qualities worth keeping, but when they become central to your identity, you can start taking on responsibilities for reasons you don’t fully recognize.

Being the person who handles everything can become a way of feeling valuable. Being needed gives you a clear place in your relationships. Handling things yourself gives you control over the outcome.

You might recognize this in the way you delegate:

• You ask someone to take something off your plate, then monitor every step.
• You rewrite their work because you would have said it differently.
• At home, you ask your partner to handle something, then keep reminding, checking, and correcting until you’re effectively managing the task anyway.

Eventually, you conclude that it’s easier to do everything yourself.

The identity you built around being capable can start limiting how much you and the people around you can grow.

Learning to share responsibility means tolerating some things you’ve become very good at avoiding:

• Uncertainty.
• Other people’s mistakes.
• The possibility that something can go perfectly well without your involvement.

Here’s where to start:

1. Notice what feeling you’re avoiding. Before taking over, pause to identify what feels uncomfortable. You might feel anxious about giving up control, guilty about asking someone else to do the work, or less valuable when you aren’t needed. Taking over can relieve those feelings while adding another responsibility to your plate.
2. Agree on what “done well” means. Be clear about the outcome, deadline, and any requirements that actually matter. Give the other person room to decide how to get there. If every step requires your approval, you’re still carrying a substantial part of the job.
3. Let people develop competence. Choose one responsibility where mistakes are manageable and give someone the opportunity to own it. Expect that they may be slower than you initially. Your years of practice probably included some inefficiency, too.

You can remain a capable, helpful person while becoming more selective about when those qualities require you to act. Sometimes your experience is most useful for teaching, setting expectations, or offering feedback afterward.