You'd know what to do if it wasn't you!

A client came to me feeling overwhelmed. He kept over-comitting, worried about disappointing people, and had started resenting commitments he voluntarily made.

The more he spoke, the more his pattern revealed itself. Saying no meant risking someone’s disappointment, so he kept saying yes and absorbing the cost himself. We explored which obligations actually mattered and what it would take to tolerate the discomfort of declining the others.

Later, looking at my own calendar, I recognized how much of that conversation applied to me.

I could help him see the consequences of overcommitting while explaining every one of my own commitments as necessary. I knew the history behind each obligation, the people depending on me, and the reasons this particular week was exceptional.

Given enough context, almost any decision can start to feel inevitable.

That’s part of what makes our own problems so difficult. We experience the emotional cost of every possible solution.

We can spend a long time thinking through a problem while hoping to discover an option that requires none of those sacrifices.

Someone else’s situation gives us enough distance to recognize that discomfort may be part of a reasonable next step. We can understand why they’re reluctant and still see something worth trying.

This is why giving advice can also benefit the person offering it. In a 2019 experiment involving 1,982 high school students, those assigned to give academic advice to younger students subsequently earned higher grades in math and another selected class than students in a control group.

This works because giving advice helps us formulate plans, strengthen our belief in the guidance offered, and helps us recognize our own capability.

Try turning your journal into a correspondence.

The next time you’re going in circles, write your situation as a letter from someone asking for your help. Keep the circumstances accurate, including the constraints. Then write back to them.

For example:

“I’m overloaded, but every commitment feels important. Some people are relying on me, and I’m worried that stepping back will damage those relationships. How would you approach this?”

In your reply, address three things: what you think is keeping this person stuck, what you would suggest they do next, and what discomfort they should reasonably expect.

Then read your response as its recipient. Pay attention to the recommendation you most want to explain away. Your objection will reveal a genuine limitation, or it will identify the exact consequence you’ve been trying to avoid.