The Art of Self-Sabotage

Self-sabotage can be hard to recognize when it feels like you’re doing everything you can to make something work. Sometimes we’re so focused on the outcome we want that we don’t notice how we’re getting in our own way.

For me, this has a lot to do with control. I’m actually pretty okay with allowing people to do things their way. Where I struggle is when I feel at the mercy of my circumstances, when my effort no longer feels like the main variable determining the outcome.

I started noticing this during my 100-mile ultramarathon. From mile 70 on, all I could think about was finishing. But instead of feeling relieved as I got closer, I became increasingly anxious. I had invested so much and was almost there. The possibility that something could still get in the way felt harder to tolerate with every mile.

That same feeling showed up tonight in a much more ordinary situation. I was putting my daughter to sleep.

I noticed this again tonight while putting my daughter to sleep. It took a little longer than usual, so I got a little flustered, a little frustrated. And the closer I got to getting her down, the more I rushed it.

I only realized what I was doing when I got out of my head and came back to the present moment, the way I teach my athletes and clients to do.

I was rubbing my daughter’s back quickly. Much faster than I would have been if I were relaxed, and much faster than was probably helpful for getting her to sleep. My heart was also beating faster than usual. I was holding her, trying to create a calming environment, while getting increasingly worked up myself.

My thoughts about whether she would fall asleep were showing up in my body. My heart was racing, and that urgency was making its way into my movements. Without realizing it, I had started rubbing her back at the pace of my own anxiety.

The whole time, I thought I was helping her fall asleep.

My urge to white-knuckle the outcome, my anxiety around potentially not getting what I wanted, was changing how I behaved in ways that could make that outcome less likely to happen. I cared so much about getting her to settle that I stopped noticing whether what I was doing was actually settling.

I think this is worth paying attention to because self-sabotage can look so subtle. It can happen while we’re trying hard and have every intention of doing something well. We get so caught up in what we want to happen that we lose awareness of what we’re actually doing.

This can happen in our relationships when we keep pushing for reassurance and end up driving the other person away, or after a setback when we’re so frustrated with ourselves that we turn to self-criticism, making it even harder to try again.

Our behaviors often betray our intentions when we’re not paying close attention.

Here are two ways to avoid misalignment:

1. Become curious about your own responses.

If something feels like a disproportionate emotional response to a situation, be curious about it. What are you reacting to? What are you afraid of? Why does this particular outcome feel so important right now?

My daughter taking a little longer to fall asleep was bringing up my discomfort with not being in control. I couldn’t see that while I was consumed by getting her down. I had to notice my response before I could understand it.

2. Return to the present.

Ground yourself in your five senses. Notice what you can see, hear, feel, smell, and taste. Then assess whether your focus and actions are aligned with your intentions.

What are you trying to accomplish, and is the way you’re thinking and behaving helping you get there? Pay attention to the small things. Your breathing. How quickly you’re moving. The tension in your body. The way you’re speaking to yourself.

If your goal is to improve but your self-talk is tearing you apart, then your mind is working in opposition to your goal.

Tonight, I needed to notice how fast my own heart was beating and how quickly I was rubbing my daughter’s back. I was so focused on whether she would fall asleep that I had lost touch with how I was helping her get there.

Sometimes getting in our own way looks that small. We have to be present enough to catch it.